-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Women's Dictionary ++ Butch the Rooster ++ $5,000 ++ History of Middle Finger ++ The Guys' Rules ++ Jack and HIll ++ Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage ++ Thoughts for the Day ++ Lexophiles Alert ++ Believe It or Don't ++ Chicken legs -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Women's Dictionary DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish ........................... 49 Adventurous ..................... Slept with everyone Athletic ........................ No tits Average looking ................. Moooo Beautiful ....................... Pathological liar Emotionally Secure .............. On medication Feminist ........................ Fat Free spirit ..................... Junkie Friendship first ................ Former slut New-Age ......................... Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned ................... No BJs Open-minded ..................... Desperate Outgoing ........................ Loud and Embarrassing Professional .................... Bitch Voluptuous ...................... Very Fat But In An Acceptable Place Large frame ..................... Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate ................. Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you instead. We can have popcorn in bed. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Butch the Rooster John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ $5,000 A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ History of Middle Finger Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.? Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Giving the finger before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.? Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").? Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!? "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually hanged to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!? It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew everything! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Guys' Rules A guy has taken the time to write this all down? Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "the rules" from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Jack and HIll Accident Report: The party of the first part hereinafter known as Jack... and the party of the second part hereinafter known as Jill... Ascended or caused to be ascended an elevation of undetermined height and degree of slope, hereinafter referred to as "hill." Whose purpose it was to obtain, attain, procure, secure, or otherwise gain acquisition to, by and and/or all means available to them a receptacle or container, hereinafter known as "pail," suitable for the transport of a liquid whose chemical properties shall be limited to hydrogen and oxygen, the proportions of which shall not be less than or exceed two parts for the first mentioned element and one part for the latter. Such combination will hereinafter be called "water." On the occasion stated above, it has been established beyond a reasonable doubt that Jack did plunge, tumble, topple, or otherwise be caused to lose his footing in a manner that caused his body to be thrust into a downward direction. As a direct result of these combined circumstances, Jack suffered fractures and contusions of his cranial regions. Jill, whether due to Jack's misfortune or not, was known to tumble in similar fashion after Jack. (Whether the term, "after," shall be interpreted in a spatial or time passage, has not been determined.) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage * Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. * We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. * I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back. * I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. * My wife told me the car wasn't ru! nning well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." * She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" * Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. * I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. * I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. * The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Thoughts for the Day Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where crappy ideas come from!!! Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches it's more like a jar of jalapenos. Wha you do today mighyt burn your ass tomorrow. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Lexophiles Alert For all you Lexophiles (Lovers of words): * A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) * Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana. * A backward poet writes inverse. * In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, its your Count that votes. * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. * If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. * With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. * When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. * A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. * Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. * He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. * Every calendar's days are numbered. * A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. * A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. * He had a photographic memory that was never developed. * A plateau is a high form of flattery. * The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. * When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. * Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. * When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. * Acupuncture is a jab well done. * Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Believe It or Don't In the 1400's, a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have "the rule of thumb". Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled, "Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden", and thus, the word "GOLF" entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Every day more money is printed for 'Monopoly' than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green. It is impossible to lick your elbow. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great monarch from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 (After all, what are calculators for?) If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase... "goodnight, sleep tight." It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the honey month - which we know today as the 'honeymoon'. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase, "mind your P's and Q's" Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. AND FINALLY: At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not... it's the truth! I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Chicken legs A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought. I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man sped up again, but to his surprise - the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!! Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three- legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see - it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat chicken legs. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't rightly know. I ain't caught one yet!"