-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Modern Day Stork Story ++ How Long? ++ You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If: ++ New Words for 2005 ++ International Thinking at its Best! ++ One-Liners ++ Quick Thinking ++ Yodeling ++ Knowledgable Animals ++ The Little Things -=-=- -=-=- Help Needed -=-=- -=-=- Well, it's finally happened. I ran out of jokes. There is only 1 more in the pipe, and after that, I'm going to have to start recycling ALL of my jokes. Therefore, it is now up to you folks to help keep the freshness of these Friday Funnies reasonable. So, all you lurkers. Please, send me some goods! Before I have to post the Canonical List of Blonde Jokes again! Oh, and I'm trying to keep this text only, so I'm not sending out any pictures. Although I will send out URLs of them.... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Modern Day Stork Story Cyrus asks: Daddy, how was I born? Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: "You've Got Male!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ How Long? A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same ! guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, will ya? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If: You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey." You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that? You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow. The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays. You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye. You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila." At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long. You know what a "Hex sign" is. You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart. You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup". Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.. You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".) You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold. You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage ( Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing. You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it. You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA. You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season. Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast. You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns. You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is. You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits. A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them. You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south. Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow. As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were. Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names. "You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women. You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?) You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela. You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade. You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know --- why you think the way you do. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ New Words for 2005 1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 2. Seagull Manager: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. 3. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 4. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to spawn your ideas and die in the end 5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 6. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 7. Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 9. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 10. Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 11. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 12. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example. 13. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 14. Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. (For those in Toronto, it's also Hwy 404... destination can not be located.) 16. Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm. 17. OhNoSecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. 18. WOOFs: Well-Off Older Folks -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ International Thinking at its Best! Q: What is the truest definition of Globalization? A: Princess Diana's death. How come? An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... That, my friends, is Globalization!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ One-Liners May God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. He who laughs, lasts. I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. If I had known I was going to get this old I would have taken better care of myself when I was young. The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you. Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM. My grandson asked if I still look at women. I said yes, but I can't remember why. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Quick Thinking Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing Squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grinned and yelled, "Fire! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Yodeling Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version. Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Knowledgable Animals Old joke, but so good that it needs repeating. While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' good." The Indian is shocked... Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Indian has a look of total disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?" Horse: "Good." Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Indicating the Indian again. Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain" The Indian stares in utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep is liar." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Little Things As you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten that morning. Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts. One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time. One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident. One of them missed his bus. One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change One's car wouldn't start. One went back to answer the telephone. One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have. One couldn't get a taxi. The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today. Now when I am... stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone... all the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment. So, the next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you. May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.