-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Actual Writing on Hospital Charts: ++ Flavors ++ Unanswered Questions ++ The Iraqi Quarterback ++ Jewish Mothers ++ Frequency Change ++ Indian Manager ++ But She's Dead! -=-=- -=-=- Help Needed -=-=- -=-=- Well, it's finally happened. I ran out of jokes. There are 2 more in the pipe, but after that, I'm going to have to start recycling ALL of my jokes. Therefore, it is now up to you folks to help keep the freshness of these Friday Funnies reasonable. So, all you lurkers. Please, send me some goods! Before I have to post the Canonical List of Blonde Jokes again! Oh, and I'm trying to keep this text only, so I'm not sending out any pictures. Although I will send out URLs of them.... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Actual Writing on Hospital Charts: 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Flavors A teacher doing grad studies was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: Red ........... cherry Yellow ........ lemon Green ......... lime Orange ........ orange Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes, none of the children could identify the taste. Well, he said, I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother may possibly call your father at times." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God!! They're a**-holes!!!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Unanswered Questions Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about; Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"? but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Iraqi Quarterback Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win. One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted. "He's got the perfect arm!" He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Jewish Mothers A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her." ----- The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now. ----- There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school. ----- Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. ----- Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes. ----- Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. ----- Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's ----- When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." ----- A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." ----- A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother. The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." ----- Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner. ----- Q - How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? A -(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want I should bother anybody. ----- Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied. ----- Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. ----- Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Frequency Change A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" "You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Indian Manager An cowboy walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand pulling a steer with the other and says to the barkeeper, "Give me a coffee." The barkeeper says, "Sure thing, coming right up." He gets the cowboy a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the cowboy turns and blasts the steer with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place! The next morning the cowboy returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another steer with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barkeeper, "Give me a coffee!" The barkeeper says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?" The cowboy smiles and proudly says, "I'm Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ But She's Dead! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die...... This is just so priceless... and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is! My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections" CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank: "...excuse me?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given) (After they get the fax....) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death" Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help" Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... Don't really think she will care!" CitiBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number xxx." CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!" CitiBank Hung Up!!!