-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Prescription ++ You Are What You Read ++ What is a Billion? ++ A New Scam ++ Bullfight ++ Charm School ++ In Praise of Sensitive Guys ++ A Child's Letter ++ An Answered Prayer ++ Some questions to make one ponder: ++ 2005 Golf Rule Changes for Seniors ++ Profession? ++ From the Mouths of Babes ++ I Never Thought Of This Approach ++ The Spoon -=-=- -=-=- Help Needed -=-=- -=-=- Well, it's finally happened. I ran out of jokes. There are 3 more in the pipe, but after that, I'm going to have to start recycling ALL of my jokes. Therefore, it is now up to you folks to help keep the freshness of these Friday Funnies reasonable. So, all you lurkers. Please, send me some goods! Before I have to post the Canonical List of Blonde Jokes again! Oh, and I'm trying to keep this text only, so I'm not sending out any pictures. Although I will send out URLs of them.... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Prescription A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose mylicense, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription..." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ You Are What You Read 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. 12. None of these is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ What is a Billion? A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: * A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. * A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. * A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. * A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes ago, at the rate Washington spends it. But, of course, now we only count in trillions. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A New Scam WARNING: A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this: They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday, but I wasn't able to find them on Sunday. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Bullfight An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, What is it that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Charm School Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on if they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child? "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a sh*t?' I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ In Praise of Sensitive Guys A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, They connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A Child's Letter A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! PS: Call when it is safe for me to come home. " -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ An Answered Prayer A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Some questions to make one ponder: Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Whose idea was it to have an "s" in the word "lisp?" Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar - but when a jar is open, it's not a door? ("Duh - well let me see now!") If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still full? Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is a castrated pig a pig disgruntled? Why is the alphabet in the order? Is it because of that song? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? If you ate pasta and then ate antipasta, would you still be hungry? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what idiot came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. Why can't you just write in, "A good doctor"? Light travels faster than sound. Therefore, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why is the word "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a carrot more orange than orange? Is the Leaning Tower of Pisa a listed building? What if there were no hypothetical questions? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff? Is it possible to have a civil war? Why do shops which are open 24/7 have locks on the doors? If most car accidents occur within 10km of home, why doesn't everyone just move 20km away? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 2005 Golf Rule Changes for Seniors Rule #1: A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. Rule #2: A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there. Rule #3: There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke. Rule #4: If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it is "deemed to have dropped". The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. Rule #5: Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule #6: There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule #7: There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings. Rule #8: Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Profession? A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ From the Mouths of Babes Nudity I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! Honesty My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. Ketchup A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." More Nudity A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" Elderly While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" Dress-Up A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." School A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" Bible A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ I Never Thought Of This Approach A guy is out with his buddies -- after having a few drinks -- he is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, he goes home and finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and gently drops them in her mouth. She almost starts to choke, but quickly recovers and asks -- "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"... He smiles and says, "THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR!!!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Spoon A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he, too, had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon after enjoying my soup, and, yes, he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon the next time I go into the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked our waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%." "After you get it out," I inquired, "how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."