-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ What Makes 100%? ++ Brunch in DC ++ Subject: CATHOLIC SCHOOL ++ I Want a Job in Guam ++ Hillary Clinton in School ++ The Art Gallery ++ Golf ++ Too Smart for First Grade ++ Water or Coke? ++ Home Remedies ++ Checking the Drawer ++ Theology, Kid Style ++ Top Ten Signs You Are Getting Too Old to Trick or Treat -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ What Makes 100%? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% but, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% and, B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far butt kissing will take you A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and butt kissing that will put you over the top. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Brunch in DC One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant in DC. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude... you're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a full term yet!" As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Subject: CATHOLIC SCHOOL Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers-- in short, EVERYTHING they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With much trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ I Want a Job in Guam In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation (Much worse than "going blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well... not as great as Guam!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the government pay for this research??) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And you thought I had bad breath!) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Hillary Clinton in School Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Art Gallery A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society." After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery," asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Golf A law of Physics... it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game... think about it. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a bunch. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are... that's why I get so many calls to play. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. Trust me! Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine. It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Too Smart for First Grade This is sort of naughty if you have a dirty mind like most of us does. Just think where you'd be if you had a clean mind????? ----- A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Little Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Little Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Little Johnny: "Yup" Teacher: you blow me, you feel good" Little Johnny: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver" Little Johnny: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofexcitement?" Little Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Water or Coke? WATER * 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. * In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. * Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. * One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study. * Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. * Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. * A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. * Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. COKE * In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. * You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. * To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China. * To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. * To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. * To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. * To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. * To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. For Your Info * The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. * To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. * The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Home Remedies * If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. * Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. * Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. * High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your arteries.. * A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. * If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. * Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache. AND... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Checking the Drawer One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the???" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Theology, Kid Style Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and! I can never do it. Nancy Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Top Ten Signs You Are Getting Too Old to Trick or Treat 10. You get winded from knocking on the door 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you 8. You ask for high fiber candy only 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not even wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 1. You keep having to go home to pee.