-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Mechanic and the Doctor ++ Iraq: Did You Know? ++ Joke of the Day ++ The Little House Behind the House ++ The Worst Foursome ++ Rubber Gloves ++ Christian One Liners ++ Phone Message ++ Black Boxes Installed in 4x4s ++ Clinton's Book ++ Great Truths ++ Customer Satisfaction ++ How to Drive in Europe ++ Why Men Are Just Happier People ++ You Might Be From Florida if... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Mechanic and the Doctor A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey, Doc! Can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc. Look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Iraq: Did You Know? 1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq. 2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization! 3. Noah built the ark in Iraq. 4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq. 5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq! 6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq. 7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq. 8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq. 9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel. 10. Amos cried out in Iraq! 11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem. 12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq! 13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!) 14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq. 15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq. 16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq. 17. The wise men were from Iraq. 18. Peter preached in Iraq. 19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq! And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Joke of the Day Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all? She asks, "What?" "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!" Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's Disease." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Little House Behind the House One of my bygone recollections, As I recall the days of yore. Is the little house, behind the house, With the crescent over the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go. Ours was a three-holer, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your usual job was done. You had to make these frequent trips, Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog, To the little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was covered with snow. 'Twas then with much reluctance, To the little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear the seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear. You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip to the shanty Which proved to be a hummer. 'Twas the same day my dad Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made With rags and gasoline. He tossed the rags in the shanty hole And went on his usual way, Not knowing that by doing so, He would eventually rue the day. Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Lingers in my memory yet. He sat down on the shanty seat, With both feet on the floor. Then filled his pipe with tobacco And struck a match on the outhouse door. After the tobacco began to glow, He slowly raised his rear: Tossed flaming match in the open hole, With not a sign of fear. The blast that followed, I am sure, Was heard for miles around; And left poor grandpa Just sitting on the ground. The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, His suspenders he held tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight. When we asked him what had happened, His answer I'll never forget. He thought it must be something That he had recently et! Next day we had a new one, Which my dad built with ease. With a sign on the entrance door Which read: No Smoking, Please! Now that's the end of the story, With memories of long ago, Of the little house behind the house Where we went when we had to go! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Worst Foursome These are the worst foursome in golf: 1. Monica Lewinski 2. O.J. Simpson 3. Ted Kennedy 4. Bill Clinton Why, you ask? Well.... 1. Monica is a hooker. 2. O.J. is a slicer. 3. Ted can't drive over water. and . . . . 4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Rubber Gloves A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them in to boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Christian One Liners Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. Peace starts with a smile. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from? We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!" God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. He who angers you, controls you! If God is your Copilot - swap seats! Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. We don't change the message, the message changes us. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to.... discourage him. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. "Father, bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Phone Message This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:" "To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1" "To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2" "To complain about what we do - Press 3" "To swear at staff members - Press 4" "To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5" "If you want us to raise your child - Press 6" "If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7" "To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8" "To complain about bus transportation - Press 9" "To complain about school lunches - Press 0" "If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Black Boxes Installed in 4x4s The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!" Only the states of Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Clinton's Book "President Bill Clinton's autobiography is coming out next week. Clinton is going on one of those book tours in New York City next week and they are expecting huge crowds. So, to keep the crowd moving, he'll only sign one breast." - David Letterman "Don't kid yourself, this is disturbing. Stories coming out about degrading photographs, nude pyramids, sexual humiliation. Of course I'm talking about Bill Clinton's memoir." - David Letterman "Bill Clinton's publisher says he's just about finished writing his memoirs. The last chapter is titled, 'Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is Single.'" - Craig Kilborn "The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." - Jay Leno "Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants." - Jay Leno "Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have already told him he can't use the 'Ass Menagerie.'... Editors are reportedly hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts less when Hillary throws it at him." - Craig Kilborn "Today the publisher of Bill Clinton's book said the last draft does include Clinton's description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in bookstores in the hernia section." - Craig Kilborn "Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8 million for his memoir, Hillary got $8 million for her memoir. That is $16 million for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything." - Jay Leno (earlier joke) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Great Truths Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. Great Truths That Adults Have Learned * Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. * Wrinkles don't hurt. * Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. * Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. * Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. * Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. Great Truths About Growing Old * Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. * Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. * When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. * You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. * It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. * Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. * Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. The Four Stages of Life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. Success At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 16, success is... having a drivers license. At age 20, success is... having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking At age 70, success is... having a drivers license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Customer Satisfaction Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that the detectives, who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... Signed, A relieved menopausal wife -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ How to Drive in Europe http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/driving.htm -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Why Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them . The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ You Might Be From Florida if... You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances, Ivan or Jeanne Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color You think of your hall closet / safe room as "cozy" Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted You now own 5 large ice chests Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down" You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street. You're depressed when they don't stop. You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw You know what "Bar chain oil" is You're thinking of getting your wife the hard hat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice" Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy" You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electricity And finally, you might be from Florida if you ask a friend up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!!!