-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Exaporated Milk ++ 99 Cents ++ Say What?!? ++ Brain Cramps ++ An old farmer ++ Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners ++ Dear Ivan ++ Military Wisdom ++ The Nightie ++ Georgia and South Carolina ++ John F. Kerry speaks: ++ 2004 Darwin Awards -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Exaporated Milk When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this: A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation..... and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." She said to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!" So she sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...." Here is her entry: Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul. No buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch. Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 99 Cents "I believe that the origin of 99-cent pricing goes back to JC Penny to keep his employees honest." (Various other readers cited Mr. Macy, Mr. Woolworth and Mr. Sears.) "At 99 cents, they would be forced to open the cash register to give change. When the price was an even dollar, employees would be more tempted simply to pocket the bill." "I believe you can trace the origin of these sales to William Rand olph Hearst. In the days when one cent would buy something concrete in a store, newspapers sold for amounts like 3 cents. Hearst encouraged advertisements from the major department stores, and told his staff to push the concept of prices at odd amounts in order to ensure that there was a good circulation of small change so that the public would be able to buy his papers." The second huge category of reader responses pointed out the most infuriating 99-centing practice of all: gasoline. "Gas around here (California) is now about $1.93.9. Hey, it's the double decimal system! When is the last time you pulled out and/or used a .9 cent piece?" A third category of responses soundly convinced me that even though rational people might find the 99-centing practice to be a transparent and feeble attempt to fool us, we're not, as a whole, a particularly rational nation of shoppers. "As someone who worked in retailing for many years, I can attest that for every consumer who knows better, there are ten others who do not." "I used to work for a computer company. We typically used to price our products at 60 percent above the expected sale price. This allowed the sales folks to offer a '40 percent discount' to customers. But there was one class of customer who DID pay the suggested retail price: US Government agencies. One division of the military paid list price for a machine - tens of millions of dollars - approximately double the next nearest price we obtained for the same product from any other customer. So yes, there are people taken in by this technique, however much we rational beings may hate it." "I remember working for a bread company. One of our deliverymen was having trouble selling brown-and-serve rolls in one of his stores. This was back when bread retailed for 33 cents for a box of 12. To try to increase his sales, he went to the store manager and got permission to price the rolls at three [boxes] for $1.00. When customers saw this price on the rolls, they brought them as fast as the shelves could be stocked, even through they were paying a penny more this way then when they were sold at the old rate!" "Innumerable marketing studies have shown that $.99 pricing model vastly increases response. I wouldn't peg this pricing structure as sleazy marketing; rather, this is marketing in response to observed human behavior." And indeed, several of you sent me reprints from the Harvard Business Review, containing studies that detailed the effectiveness of prices that end with 9. "For instance," said one article, "when a national women's clothing catalog raised the price of one of its dresses from $34 to $39, sales jumped up. But when the price was raised to $44, there was no change in demand." The final category of responses was by far the most entertaining category I'll just call Misc. It contained notes like these: "See, that's why the Sacagawea coin never caught on. We don't need a one dollar coin... we need a 99 cent coin." "The dumbest version of this I have seen is when a retailer says '$4.99 OFF!' They don't even know why they are 99 centing any more!" "At least the Times is not playing this game. At the end of your e-mail column was this: 'Home delivery of the Times from $2.90/week.' Hey not even $3! One writer noted with amusement that when my seven-year-old son suggested pricing a $20 item at "17 dollars and 299 cents" to make it seem even cheaper, he wasn't really carving new territory: "When the movie 'Titanic' came out, all the press releases and listings listed its duration as '2:74.' They were afraid people wouldn't want to see a three-hour-long movie!" And finally, one witty reader wondered if I'd really done us any good by identifying the scam: "Unfortunately, now that you've blown the cover off the long-abided 99 cent conspiracy, all heck is going to break loose. In an effort to mimic the airline-based theory that seemingly random numbers mean competitive pricing, the members of R.S.O.A.B.B. (Really Secret Organization of Absurdly Big Businesses) is going to institute the rule of 11, 42 and 37. "Henceforth, everything that was $9.99 will now be $10.11. Everything that was $10.99 will be $11.42, and so on. But hey, at least we no longer have to go along with another mind-numbing attempt to lull us into a false sense of security - that we're getting a good deal. And the best news is, one day your son will be able to write a nostalgic column about the good old days, when you knew for sure when someone was trying to pull the wool over your eyes." Visit David Pogue on the Web at _DavidPogue.com_ (http://www.davidpogue.com/). -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Say What?!? A Sign in a public restroom of an hi-rise office building: TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Brain Cramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," - A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President (DUH) "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? " - Lee Iacocca "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart) "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circum! stances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ An old farmer An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." (always a good opener) 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad." WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Dear Ivan Hey, how's it going out there near Barbados? Listen, lots of us here in Florida have been talking about your scheduled visit. Now, please don't take this the wrong way. We like spectacular forces of nature as well as the next guy. We realize that Florida and hurricanes go together like country music and drunken driving. We don't want to mess with tradition. And we know you hurricanes recharge the aquifers, provide an exhilarating break in the stifling heat of late summer, and give neighbors a chance to bond. The economic boost you give to Home Depot alone is enough to make up for whatever inconvenience is to be expected. So normally you would be as welcome as a gang of Harley riders during Bike Week. But may I say that this year the timing of your tentatively scheduled arrival seems less than ideal. You know that visitors start to wear out their welcome after a few days. And too many visitors in a row can also wear down a host and hostess. That, I'm sorry to say, is pretty much the position we Floridians find ourselves in just now. Your cousin Charley blew through a few weeks ago and, to be blunt, he was less than mannerly. He zoomed in like a hyperactive toddler, leaving the proverbial path of destruction, except that it was no proverb. And then he was gone without so much as a see-ya-later. Charley was a leave-wet-towels-on-the-floor, never-pick-up-a-tab kind of guest. He inspired some grumbling, and picking up after him has been a real chore. You should have seen Punta Gorda, Port Charlotte, Arcadia, Lake Wales and Wauchula. At least Charley didn't stay long. But just when we were starting to get things almost back to normal, Frances sauntered in. I don't mean to be crass, but she was HUGE. When she hung around the state, she hung around the state, you know what I mean? And you know how some guests just don't leave? That's Frances. Even when we were looking at our watches and yawning and singing "The Party's Over" she just stayed and stayed. Some of us who hadn't really rolled out the red carpet for Charley decided to prepare a lot more for Frances, and maybe we just tired ourselves out. And then she stalled and arrived late, which is always irritating. She wasn't as wild as Charley, I'll admit. Those rumors about Frances possibly becoming a Category 5 turned out to be overblown hype. But she just sort of oozed through. I went to bed Sunday night and woke up thinking she'd be long gone at last, but she was still here Monday morning! So a lot of us here are thinking that enough is enough for one year. Actually, the experience of almost back-to-back hurricanes has some people talking about canceling hurricane season entirely. Don't worry. Floridians won't go that far. But we may consider moving hurricane season to a nicer time of year. I know hurricanes like it hot, but doing without air conditioning would be a lot nicer in November, or maybe March, so as not to interfere with football season. I mean, did you see where Frances actually caused the postponement of a Gator football game? People will put up with a lot, but let's be reasonable here. Some are saying we should limit the number of hurricanes allowed into Florida in one year. There might be some debate about whether the limit should be one or two, but there is wide agreement that three is too many. So, Ivan, here's the point: Florida's famous hospitality is pretty much tapped out just now. Our enthusiasm for big winds and rains, and for TV reporters gushing forth with excited descriptions of it all, has bogged down like a riding lawnmower in the swamp that used to be my back yard. As I said, it is nothing personal, Ivan, but what would you say to making alternate travel plans? I understand that Bermuda is lovely this time of year.... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Military Wisdom "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Nightie A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Georgia and South Carolina A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and a drunk "good old boy" from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. Then he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed the drunk doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my a** to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ John F. Kerry speaks: "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "Its time for the human race to enter the solar system." "Public speaking is very easy." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 2004 Darwin Awards Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are..... Number 7: A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. Number 6: A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. Number 5: Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. Number 4: A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma". Number 3: A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. Number 2: Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE.... Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.