-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ A History Lesson ++ Management ++ Some Funnies ++ Beer Scam ++ Words to Live By ++ History Test ++ Are You the Weakest Link? ++ What? ++ Suggestions for Airlines ++ Aging Gracefully ++ See God? ++ You Can't Read This and Stay in a Bad Mood -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A History Lesson The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women. Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided. Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the wild west was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Hence; this brings us to where we are today! Here ends the lesson in world history. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Management An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway? "The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot sh*t, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Some Funnies Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" * A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine." * "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "Why, that's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." * A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids." * An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." * Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. * A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you." the blonde says, and hangs up. * Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." * The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water..... and then you dump the stock. * This guy had been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." * Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." * A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery." he answered. "Why, what did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!" * While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think," I asked, "should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." * Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "*sshole" afterwards. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Beer Scam Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Words to Live By "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "... holy sh*t... what a ride!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ History Test The answers are below, but don't cheat. 01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man.Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind? ______. 02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the, ______________________show. 03. Get your kicks, _______________. 04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________________. 05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________. 06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ___________. 07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________. 08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, ____________________. 09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________________. 10. Red Skeltons hobo character was __________________, and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and____________________." 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their__________. 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ or __________. 13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,"the day the music died." This was a tribute to_________________. 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called __________________. 15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ___________. Answers: 01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 02. The Ed Sullivan show. 03. Route 66 04. to protect the innocent. 05. The Lion sleeps tonight. 06. The limbo 07. chocolate. 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex watch. 10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless." 11. draft cards (the bra was also burned) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. sputnik 15. hoola-hoop -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Are You the Weakest Link? Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You're not very good at this are you? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again. Keep this going to frustrate the "smart people" in your life. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ What? A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "- Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! - Oh my GOD! - You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! - We need more butter. - Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? - They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! - You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! - Hurry up! - Are you CRAZY? - Have you LOST your mind? - Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Suggestions for Airlines Federal Aviation Agency 800 Independence Avenue S.W. Washington DC. 20591 Dear Sirs, I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record sales. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Aging Gracefully Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." * Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?" * I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... I still have my Florida driver's license! * A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" * God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. * An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales." "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ See God? One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yes TEACHER: Go outside and look up and sii if you can see the sky. TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. TEACHER: Did you see God? TOMMY: No TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the litle girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yesssss (getting tired of the questions by this time). LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky? TOMMY: Yesssss! LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher? TOMMY: Yes LITLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? TOMMY: No. LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ You Can't Read This and Stay in a Bad Mood 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 26. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!!