-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Used to be ++ Secede from the Union ++ Poker Player ++ Enough said ++ Headlines From Year 2029 ++ Avocado green ++ New Viagra ++ A Clean Sport -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Used to be I date myself, but here it is: My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter, but I can't remember getting E-coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring). The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through denial the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant property built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse)... and then we got butt spanked again when we got home. Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee. Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Secede from the Union Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848). We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our their hands. Here is our solution: A: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states.) B: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? 1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry..) 2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States. 3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning. 4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that. 5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm.... 6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, IBM, Etc. The list goes on and on. 7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers. 8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway 9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more) 10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc. 11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers. 12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food. This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have. Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas. Signed, The People in Texas -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Poker Player Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A little worried, she answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Enough said Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what Would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" * Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." * A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" * An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." * John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" * A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying."You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar." * A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Headlines From Year 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. Dems blame Halliburton. White minority still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. John Ashcroft indicted. Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Accuse Ninth Circuit Court of heterophobia. When asked to comment, Chief Justice McGreevy says, "Just because all the members of the appelate court are gay and lesbian doesn't mean they are against heteros. This is typical hetero bias." Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Satellite photos of site in desert where atomic device was unearthed show at least twenty trucks being loaded with suspicious cannisters. Defense Secretary Michael Moore apologizes to Al Quida leader Bin Laden. Promises to dismantle CIA. Blames Halliburton. France pleads for global economic help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Blames Bill O'Reilly for economic woes. Prime Minister says, "I blow my nose in your direction!" Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but HEW Secretary Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Ted Kennedy, hale and hearty at 104, toasts decision and vows to fight, adding, "Don't worry, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Where's the ice?" After a wild shooting spree by a disgruntled postal worker, the Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only, saying "We need the revenue to supply psychiatric care for postal employees, many of whom seemed to develop paranoid schizophrenia after years of licking stamps. We blame Halliburton. Startling results of 85-year study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph Joan Rivers with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Gov. Teresa Kerry tells sobbing widow, "Good riddance! I always hated the bastard!" Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nailclippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to offshore campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Tax Revenues fall for the fifth straight year. Jimmy Carter summoned to white House. "I don't want to speak ill of the dead," Carter says, "but you can blame Dick Cheney for this. And Halliburton. We need someone at Treasury who knows what he's doing, like Jean Bertrande Aristede." he added. "The man just understands money." Florida Democrats still don't know how to use voting machines. Barbra Streisand's daughters Hillry and Tifny support Congressional bill to award all electoral votes straight to Dems to avoid having to hold future Florida elections. ACLU pleased. President Jesse Jackson Jr. and Vice President Sharpton nabbed for liquor store heist after wild car chase through Washington. Police surround President's stretch Rolls Royce just before it enters White House gate, find Queen of England in back seat, along with president, vice president, and twenty-three gallons of Thunderbird. "I never realized a Roller could be such fun!" retired monarch says. Twelve hundred dollars in small bills were discovered in queen's purse. "Don't look at me!" she said to questioning reporters. "I only carry this thing!" President blames white racism, demands congressional bill to make hiring of white cops illegal. House Speaker O.J. Simpson concurs, adding, " That honky behind the counter deserved exactly what he got." Rudy Giulani moves family to Samoa Greta Van Sustern signs long-term deal with Al Jazeera. "Fox News talked me into it." she says. Boston Red Socks win tenth straight World Series. "Having Babe Ruth's Coffin in the outfield certainly changed our luck," says Manager Susan Wolman. Steinbrenner hires entire nation of Japan, increases offer for casket. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Avocado green On the eve of his wedding night, a fresh-faced lad asks his mother: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies: "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and then seeks his father opinion. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" he asks. The father looks at his son in surprise and replies: "Son, all household appliances come in white." * A teacher asked her class: "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back raised her hand and said: "All I want out of life is four animals." The teacher replied: "Really? And what four animals would that be?" The little girl said: "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." * TWO blondes are walking down the road when one says: "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says: "Where?" * CLYDE the skater died in a fire and was badly burnt. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. They went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clyde said: "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said: "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked: "How can you tell?" Zeke said. "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say: "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ New Viagra Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage, suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously this can no longer be called a "soft" drink; also, it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff" drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of: "MOUNT & DO." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A Clean Sport Perhaps some of you have read this before. With the Olympics coming to a close and many of our pro sports going on, or getting set to start, thought it deserved sending as a reminder of what a clean sport is.... ---- The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light: Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world, and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone". You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood. And Finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.