-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Maxine's at it again! ++ Fifteen Things That It Took Over 50 Years to Learn ++ My Kind of Grand Dad ++ Beating around the Bush ++ The Perfect End to an Argument ++ Kerry One-Liners ++ New Car ++ Lizard Birthing Story ++ The Sign ++ Penance ++ Brand new 2004 edition of "You know you're a redneck when..." ++ Puns -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Maxine's at it again! Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures." Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns." Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "Body Piercing" "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head." Maxine on "the Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Work" "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Fifteen Things That It Took Over 50 Years to Learn 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be, "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 13. Your friends love you anyway. 14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 15. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ My Kind of Grand Dad A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniel's and women with big boobs." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Beating around the Bush One day President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy". "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy". The President smiled at the little girl and said,"No, sweetie, that would be an accident! Can anyone else try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I Know! If our bus driver ran off a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said," No, son, that would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone have an example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that THAT was a tragedy." "Very good," he said, "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well" she said, "It wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!" * At a Nursing Home: President Bush decides it's time to do some public relations at a local Washington Senior Citizens Home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they can tell you your name." * Trade Talks One day as President Bush was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: "Nice pigs, sir". The President replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for each of the twins." The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir." * American Technology A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology for their countries. "In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks." "That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said,"We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back to work on Saturday." "That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from Texas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!" * Psalm of Bush Bush is my shepherd, I shall not lie He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns. He restoreth my doubt in the Republican Party He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the Party's sake. My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income. He cutteth taxes for the wealthiest. Surely, Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican Party and I shall live in a rented house forever. 5,000 years ago, Moses said: "Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land." 5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said: "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel. This IS the promised land." Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you there is no promised land. I'm glad I'm an American and I'm glad that I am free. but I wish I were a little dog and Bush were a tree. * Late Night Humor "The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." - Craig Kilborn "There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush." - David Letterman "The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." - Jay Leno -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Perfect End to an Argument Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Henry replied, "she came to me on her hands and = knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh*t.'" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Kerry One-Liners The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno "We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." -Jay Leno "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." - Jay Leno "Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from The Munsters." - Jay Leno "John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." - Jay Leno "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" - Jay Leno "Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." - Craig Kilborn -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ New Car A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!"she'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled. The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, Jane Fonda and Michael Moore. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Lizard Birthing Story If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing OUT LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what wasgoing on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Pete's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lyingon his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 Lizards - $140... 1 Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkey... Priceless... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Sign Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled... "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Penance A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then we stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Brand new 2004 edition of "You know you're a redneck when..." 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. And last, but not least... 31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Puns 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'mpositive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual." 10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"