-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Two Blondes ++ Will Rogers ++ I Warned You! ++ But Who's The Smartest? ++ The Usual ++ I'd Do Anything... But That! ++ Yo Momma ++ Full Disclosure ++ A Groaner ++ Comments Made in 1957 ++ Revenge is... Sweet? ++ Sexy Witticisms ++ Shopping at Walmart ++ Little Leroy ++ Which would you choose? ++ Fairy Tale -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Two Blondes Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Will Rogers Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935 was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER... First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ I Warned You! An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw an old Jewish man selling neckties. The Arab said, "I'm dying of thirst. Can I have some water?" The Jewish man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that will look nice with your robe." The Arab said, "I don't want a tie. I need water!" The Jewish man said, "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill, about four miles away, is a restaurant. They have water." The Arab walked over the hill. Two hours later, he came crawling back. The Jew asked, "Couldn't you find the restaurant?" The Arab gasped, "Oh, I found it all right, but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ But Who's The Smartest? A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He cornered a monkey and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The trembling monkey replied, You are, mighty lion." Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed. "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" The terrified deer stammered, "You are by far, sir." The lion swaggered up to a bull elephant and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?" Annoyed, the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree and stomped on him. As he went on his way, the lion said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to make such a big deal out of it!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Usual A father was passing by his son's fraternity house late one night and decided to drop in. He knocked on the front door. A young man opened the door and said, "What do you want?" The father asked, "Does Tommy Norris live here?" The young man said, "Yep, just leave him on the front porch, as usual." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ I'd Do Anything... But That! A pretty young college student visited her professor's office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him and said, "I would do anything to pass this exam." Leaning closer, she whispered seductively, I would do... anything!" He looked down at her and said, "You'll do anything?" She smiled and replied again, "anything." His voice softened and he repeated, "Anything." She smiled, and again said, "Anything." His voiced turned to a whisper and said, Would you... study?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Yo Momma The young man was clearly trying to impress his date by taking her to an exclusive French restaurant, but he was shocked when she ordered two appetizers, two soups, two salads, two entrees and two desserts, as well as a bottle of fine wine. "I'll bet your mother doesn't feed you this well," he whispered. She cooed, "That's true, but then, my mother's not looking to take me to bed, either." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Full Disclosure A man and a woman met aboard a cruise ship and were really getting to like each other and knew they would want to continue seeing each other after the cruise. He said to her, "I feel it's only fair to warn you that I'm a real golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe the game." She replied, "Well, since you're being honest with me, I'll be honest with you. I'm a hooker. The man said, "Hum, I see. I think I can help you. It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A Groaner A tour group stopped at the Tower of London. A man from Prague and another from Athens got into a dispute. They decided to settle the matter using the accoutrements at hand. They donned armor and chain mail, while the rest of the group crowded around. But the onlookers couldn't tell one from the other. "Is that the Czech wearing the armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "the Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the mail." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Comments Made in 1957 "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20." "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one." "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress." "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Revenge is... Sweet? After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Sexy Witticisms "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." - Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Shopping at Walmart 16 Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 15. And last but not least 16. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Little Leroy Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Which would you choose? You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box." However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for some beers. God, I just love happy endings. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Fairy Tale This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls! Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautied frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't THINK so!"