-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Mother Superior ++ Cab Drivers ++ Justifiable ++ Fashion Notes 101 ++ Jokes (or truths) for the Elderly ++ Lost Priest ++ Men Strike Back ++ Hmmmm ++ Now You Know Everything ++ The Positive Side of Life ++ Chinese Proverbs ++ My Baby Girl ++ Can You Top These Morons? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Mother Superior Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior... It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Cab Drivers A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining, and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them are cab drivers," she said. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Justifiable I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great....a name to match the idiot." I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk" Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as thought we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" "And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Fashion Notes 101 Many of us "Older Folks" are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided: * A nose ring and bifocals * Spiked hair and bald spots * A pierced tongue and dentures * Miniskirts and support hose * Ankle bracelets and corn pads * Speedo's and cellulite * A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar * Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor * Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge * Bikinis and liver spots * Short shorts and varicose veins * In-line skates and a walker And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks"... * Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Jokes (or truths) for the Elderly Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." * A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve-thirty." * Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that!! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" * A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled = himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "arthritis". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Lost Priest A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, sister." "Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Men Strike Back Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened when she brings it. Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? A: You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven. Q: Why do men fart more than women? A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which one do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A: A woman who won't do what she's told. Q: I married Miss Right. A: I just didn't know her first name was Always. Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. A: It's called a Wedding Cake. Q: Why do men die before their wives? A: They want to. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. PS: My wake will be open to both sexes, so my wife just said. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Hmmmm Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea... visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good... spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Now You Know Everything The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (No wonder my house is so DUSTY!) The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan." Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!) And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that; don't YOU?) Now you know everything there is to know. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Positive Side of Life Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Chinese Proverbs * Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. * Man who run in front of car get tired * Man who run behind car get exhausted. * Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. * Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. * Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. * Man with one chopstick go hungry. * Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails. * Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. * Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. * Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.... * War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. * Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. * Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. * It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. * Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. * Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. * Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. * Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. * Crowded elevator smell different to midget. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ My Baby Girl Today is my daughter's 18th birthday. I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy... and watch the expression on your face". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Can You Top These Morons? 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband! 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!) 8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!) Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE.) Under the boat, still trapped securely in place, was the trailer!