-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Church Bulletin Bloopers: ++ 22 Ways That Show You Are From Philadelphia ++ Home Remedies ++ Solution for Illegal Aliens ++ Rumours ++ Signage ++ Media Control (Written by a Marine) ++ First Grade ++ Large Ballerina ++ A Marraige Made in Heaven ++ Fun Stuff ++ True Bravery ++ Duct Tape -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: * Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. * Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals." * The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." * Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. * Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. * The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. * Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. * Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. * Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. * The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." * Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. * A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. * Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. * Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. * The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. * Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. * The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. * This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. * Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.is done. * The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. * Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. * The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. * Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 22 Ways That Show You Are From Philadelphia 22. You hate Dallas. 21. You Realize your favorite dessert is "wawder ice." 20. You find yourself using "yo" and "youse guys" when talking long distance to your family. 19. You can spell Schuykill. 18. You pronounce Acme as "ACK-A-ME." 17. You think that $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain. 16. You find yourself in a nice restaurant thinking "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?" 15. You sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulances. 14. You visit New York and are impressed by how clean it is. 13. You believe the car on your left (with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane) wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you. 12. You can't eat french fries without Cheese Whiz. 11. You call sprinkles on top of your ice cream cone "jimmies." 10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny. 9. You snub a cheese steak that is not on an Amoroso roll. 8. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block. 7. You know who Jim O'brien is and how he died. 6. You can't imagine lunch without a Tastykake. 5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli. 4. A vacation down at the Jersey Shore (pronounced "shoore") is better than going to an island because there is more stuff to do and you know everyone. 3. You know where to find the Rocky statue. 2. You know that only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You only go there if you are drunk and it's 3:00 a.m. And the number one sign that you know you are from Philadelphia: 1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands. And you know what? You don't even care! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Home Remedies 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache. 8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 9. And... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Solution for Illegal Aliens Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada ,almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. The obvious solution is to give every illegal alien a cow. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Rumours Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor. In ancient Greece(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not? Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary...". "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.. And it also explains why he never found out that Plato was fooling around with his wife. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Signage On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait" At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills." At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Media Control (Written by a Marine) Some powerful thoughts by a Marine Master Sergeant to reflect and ponder over. This marine really has a handle on our "AMERICA," and the situation it now finds itself in. Enjoy. ---------------- I sat in a movie theater watching "Schindler's List," asked myself, "Why didn't the Jews fight back?" Now I know why. I sat in a movie theater, watching "Pearl Harbor" and asked myself, "Why weren't we prepared?" Now I know why. Civilized people cannot fathom, much less predict, the actions of evil people. On September 11, dozens of capable airplane passengers allowed themselves to be overpowered by a handful of poorly armed terrorists because they did not comprehend the depth of hatred that motivated their captors. On September 11, thousands of innocent people were murdered because too many Americans naively reject the reality that some nations are dedicated to the dominance of others. Many political pundits, pacifists and media personnel want us to forget the carnage. They say we must focus on the bravery of the rescuers and ignore the cowardice of the killers. They implore us to understand the motivation of the perpetrators. Major television stations have announced they will assist the healing process by not replaying devastating footage of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers. I will not be manipulated. I will not pretend to understand. I will not forget. I will not forget the liberal media who abused freedom of the press to kick our country when it was vulnerable and hurting. I will not forget that CBS anchor Dan Rather preceded President Bush's address to the nation with the snide remark, "No matter how you feel about him, he is still our president." I will not forget that ABC TV anchor Peter Jennings questioned President Bush's motives for not returning immediately to Washington, DC and commented, "We're all pretty skeptical and cynical about Washington." I will not isolate myself from my fellow Americans by pretending an attack on the USS Cole in Yemen was not an attack on the United States of America. I will not be appeased with pointless, quick retaliatory strikes like those perfected by the previous administration. I will not be comforted by "feel-good, do nothing" regulations like the silly, "Have your bags been under your control?" question at the airport. I will not be influenced by so called,"antiwar demonstrators" who exploit the right of _expression to chant anti-American obscenities. I will not forget the moral victory handed the North Vietnamese by American war protesters who reviled and spat upon the returning soldiers, airmen, sailors and marines. I will not be softened by the wishful thinking of pacifists who chose reassurance over reality. I will embrace the wise words of Prime Minister Tony Blair who told the Labor Party conference, "They have no moral inhibition on the slaughter of the innocent. If they could have murdered not 7,000 but 70,000, does anyone doubt they would have done so and rejoiced in it? There is no compromise possible with such people, no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such terror. Just a choice: defeat it or be defeated by it!" I will force myself to: - hear the weeping - feel the helplessness - imagine the terror - sense the panic - smell the burning flesh - experience the loss - remember the hatred. I sat in a movie theater, watching "Private Ryan" and asked myself, "Where did they find the courage?" Now I know. We have no choice. Living without liberty is not living. - Ed Evans, MGySgt., USMC (Ret.) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ First Grade A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest. With great pride, and said "Winnie the SH*T." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Large Ballerina A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A Marraige Made in Heaven On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." And he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer, for months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Fun Stuff The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So,I tied her up and went out to play a round of golf. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ True Bravery True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Duct Tape Duct Tape, contrary to popular opinion, is not good for fixing everything! Bill walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Bill with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Bill, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Bill. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."