-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Missing Bill Clinton ++ Some Good Puns ++ The Dentist ++ More Puns ++ Gender differences ++ Teacher Arrested ++ 101 Easy Ways to Say No ++ Missed Markets: What Hallmark Doesn't Print ++ Happy Father's Day ++ Little Known Naval History -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Missing Bill Clinton Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. **** Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The "Dodge Drafter" will be in production in Canada this year. **** When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." **** American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. **** Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, Vision, Wisdom. **** Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe. **** The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." **** Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Some Good Puns [ If there is such a thing... -aBp. ] * A backward poet writes inverse. * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. * A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. * A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. * A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. * A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. * A hangover is the wrath of grapes. * A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. * A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. * A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. * A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. * A plateau is a high form of flattery. * A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. * Acupuncture is a jab well done. * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. * Banning the bra was a big flop. * Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. * Corduroy pillows are making headlines. * Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. * Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? * Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. * Every calendar's days are numbered. * He had a photographic memory that was never developed. * He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. * I fired my masseuse. She just rubbed me the wrong way. * I used to be a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. * I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. * If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. * In democracy your vote counts.=A0 In feudalism your count votes. * Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? * Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. * Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. * Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. * My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. * Practice safe eating - always use condiments. * Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. * Sea captains don't like crew cuts. * She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. * Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. * Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) * When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. * When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. * When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I * When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * Without geometry, life is pointless. * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Dentist A Cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm. "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist stepped out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies,Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks. No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ More Puns NASA recently sent a number of Cattle into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!" Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him... what? (This is so bad it's good...) A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. And finally... there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Gender differences Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads 40-ish ............................................ 49 Adventurous ...................... Slept with everyone Athletic ..................................... No tits Average looking ................................. Ugly Beautiful .......................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile ................. Does a lot of pills Emotionally Secure ..................... On medication Feminist ......................................... Fat Free spirit ................................... Junkie Friendship first ......................... Former slut Fun ......................................... Annoying New-Age ................ Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned ................................. No BJs Open-minded ................................ Desperate Outgoing ....................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate .............................. Sloppy drunk Professional ................................... Bitch Voluptuous .................................. Very Fat Large frame ............................... Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate .............................. Stalker Women's English: * Yes = No * No = Yes * Maybe = No * We need = I want * I am sorry = you'll be sorry * We need to talk = You're in trouble * Sure, go ahead = You better not * Do what you want = You will pay for this later * I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! * You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Men's English: * I am hungry = I am hungry * I am sleepy = I am sleepy * I am tired = I am tired * Nice dress = Nice cleavage! * I love you = Let's have sex now * I am bored = Do you want to have sex? * May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you * Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you * Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you * Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you * I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Teacher Arrested At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 101 Easy Ways to Say No I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Missed Markets: What Hallmark Doesn't Print Some greeting cards to look for next time you're out shopping.... :) So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it.... She moved in with me. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder - What the hell was I thinking? Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby? I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell.... till I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.... That you're not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married. But not to you. Happy birthday! You look great for your age.... Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. We have been friends for a very long time.... what say we stop? I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... So we're having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Kentucky! ) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Happy Father's Day Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn... that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?=20 If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher... and since it's in English, thank a soldier." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Little Known Naval History The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the US.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home. The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water. GO NAVY!