-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Gender Differences ++ A Reformation Prayer ++ What's Your Age Again? ++ Even More Puns ++ Water vs. Cola ++ Ahh, Memories ++ Yet Another Twisted Moral ++ Moishe Cohen ++ Sending Old Men To War ++ Other "Murphy's" Laws -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Gender Differences A Woman's Perfect Breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Women's Revenge: "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective): I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. Marriage Seminar: While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? Cigarettes and Tampons: A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she. (Of course... I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-) Wife vs. Husband: A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." Words: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" Creation: A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" Beast: Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?" Who Does What: A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A Reformation Prayer Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard: "Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and call it Pluralism. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!" The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea. Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ What's Your Age Again? A cop was patrolling late one night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window... "Uh, yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir..." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. alone, in a car, at night .. in a lovers' lane and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir..." "And her! What's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Even More Puns ( from Kim Komando's Weekly Newsletter ) * Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. * A backward poet writes inverse. * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. * A hangover is the wrath of grapes. * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. * He had a photographic memory that was never developed. * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. And finally... * Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Water vs. Cola WATER 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study. 5. Lack of water - the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy thinking, short-term memory lapses, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. And now for the properties of COKE: 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. 9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Additional Information 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a coke or a glass of water? -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Ahh, Memories An elderly couple is having problems remembering things so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down on Post-Its to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen." "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Now irritated, he snaps, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!" He grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Yet Another Twisted Moral Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a drop out and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Moishe Cohen A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe." "Who?" "Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a steel trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Moishe." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Sending Old Men To War If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course! however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall wit h rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Other "Murphy's" Laws Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle: The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.