-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Funny stuff ++ International Thinking at its Best! ++ One-Liners ++ Lingerie ++ Blonde Guys ++ So Very, Very True ++ Just plain old "Horse Sense" ++ Ignorance is Bliss ++ Emily Post's Rules For Rural Folk ++ Chicago Contractor ++ Heaven's New Policy ++ Hawaiian Woodpeckers vs. California Woodpeckers ++ Female Comebacks ++ Walking ++ Irish Wisdom -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Funny stuff One for the Yanks: A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find awoman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. One for the Nuts After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. One for the Young'uns An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. One for the Mums A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again." One for the Lookers When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. One for Adam The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ International Thinking at its Best! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. How come? An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... That, my friends, is Globalization!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ One-Liners May God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. He who laughs, lasts. I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. If I had known I was going to get this old I would have taken better care of myself when I was young. The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you. Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM. My grandson asked if I still look at women. I said yes, but I can't remember why. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Lingerie A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it to the store tomorrow and get the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" Funeral Services are pending. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Blonde Guys Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ So Very, Very True It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then... to "loosen up." Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Jim, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll soon have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that some Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling grass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's"), and then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. It keeps me alive to know that someday, somehow, all those memories of Socrates and Dickinson and Fitzgerald will eventually fade into the back of my mind, never to be visited again as anything but the ghosts of the shakiest period in my life. I rest confident now that I realize I too can enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies and drink Budweiser and say things like "don't go there!" while making those little quotation marks with my index and middle fingers. I'm on step 11 now with Thinker's Anonymous; the "make amends with old sitcoms" step. The next and final step in my healing process: voting Republican. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Just plain old "Horse Sense" A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know diddly about cars!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Ignorance is Bliss During a trial in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and juror's faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Emily Post's Rules For Rural Folk GENERAL * Never take a beer to a job interview. * Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. * It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. * If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. * Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT * When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. * If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME * A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. * Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE * While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. * Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. * However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. * Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) * Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. * Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." * Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." * If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE * Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. * Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS * Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. * Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. * For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. * Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE * Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. * When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. * Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. * When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Chicago Contractor Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Kentucky, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Kentucky contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without so much as moving a muscle, the contractor says, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me... $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Kentucky." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Heaven's New Policy It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The first person came to the gates of Heaven, and St. Peter promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips. Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. The guy did have a bad day, so he got in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem, but you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises and I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "Very well, St. Peter announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Hawaiian Woodpeckers vs. California Woodpeckers A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker Could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Female Comebacks Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Irish Wisdom An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints. After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious! as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."