-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Smart(?) Blonde Joke ++ I Owe My Mother ++ Child Humor ++ Will Rogers ++ Ya Gotta Have Faith ++ "Can You Read This" Test ++ M & M Rule ++ Survivor: Southern Style ++ Mom's Driver's License ++ Children's Logic ++ In the Beginning -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Smart(?) Blonde Joke A guy is hanging upside down from the rafters at a factory when a blonde coworker walks by. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I need a few weeks off," explains the man. "I'm pretending to be nuts." Just then the boss walks by and sees the man dangling from the ceiling. "What are you doing? asks the boss. "I'm a light bulb," answers the guy. "You're going crazy. Take a vacation." The man jumps down to leave, and the blonde starts to follow him. "here do you think you're going, young lady?" the boss asks. "Home," she replies. "I can't work in the dark." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ I Owe My Mother 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15 My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home" 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Child Humor A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." ***** A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ***** An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" ***** One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." ***** It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ***** When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" ***** A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." ***** One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ***** A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." ***** A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ***** A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Will Rogers Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following: * Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. * Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. * There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. * Never miss a good chance to shut up. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. * The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. * There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. * If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. * After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ***** About Growing Older First - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth - You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth - One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth - Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth - Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Ya Gotta Have Faith A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank from the bedpan when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ "Can You Read This" Test Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dummy cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.... -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ M & M Rule The Woman's Survival Kit: At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one. Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression. The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left a lone. If you feel a headache coming on eat the PURPLE one. The BLUE one reduces bloating. You can eat the "BROWN" ones ANYTIME!! If all symptoms occur at the same time, Eat the WHOLE DAMN BAG!!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Survivor: Southern Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style." The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns! The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Mom's Driver's License A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a playdate. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not suppose to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?" "Now, really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Children's Logic Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child." ***** A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" ***** Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot." ***** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties."They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ In the Beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Food", and said "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food". God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the beautiful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created fast-food restaurants with 99-cent double cheeseburgers. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said,"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. .... and Satan smiled as he created HMOs.