-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Professor ++ A New Hospital Wing ++ Definitions ++ Because You Are My Friend ++ Somebody Said ++ Animal Kingdom ++ Poor Martha ++ Moses at the Airport ++ Signs ++ Little Tony ++ Keep Your Fork ++ 100% ++ The Case of the Pregnant Lady ++ Please be Gentle -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Professor A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A New Hospital Wing Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened.... The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" The pediatricians said, "Grow up." The proctologists said, "We are in arrears." The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas. And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. The HMOs killed it anyway, so this all moot. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Because You Are My Friend Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship! 1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. Remember: A friend will help you move, but a really good friend will help you move a body. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Somebody Said Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring... somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good" ... somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices... somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first... somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books... somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery... somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp" Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back... somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married... somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... somebody isn't a mother. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Animal Kingdom An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well" says the camel, "I think it is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Poor Martha Today's Hint: "A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted." -Martha Stewart -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Moses at the Airport Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses! " in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The Secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead. The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Signs Friends don't let friends take home ugly men Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books, New York, New York. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA. No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Little Tony * Little Tony on Philosophy A young teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which LITTLE TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." * Little Tony on Math Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said 6", replie LITTLE TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" * Little Tony on English Little Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Tony says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Tony, that's a mouthful." Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." * Little Tony on Grammar Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Little Tony, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Tony thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" * Little Tony on Grammar One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'" * Little Tony on Getting Older Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Keep Your Fork [...religious overtones...] There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?", the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork... the best is yet to come." The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation the had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 100% From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass kissing will put you over the top. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Case of the Pregnant Lady Actual Australian Court Docket #12659 - Case of the Pregnant Lady A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her, who was about 20 years old, smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it." "Case DISMISSED!!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Please be Gentle A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said. "Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. "Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. "Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. "Husband No. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride. "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man..... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"