-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Groaners ++ Four Thoughts ++ San Francisco Logic ++ Late Night Hillary ++ Forewarned ++ 2004 Golf Rule Changes for Seniors ++ Oops ++ Puns ++ Snappy Answers ++ Bob Hope ++ Brothers ++ Thoughts for Today -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Groaners Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green, grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge." A skeleton walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer and a mop. A piece of rope walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Get out of here we don't allow your kind in here." The rope walks out, roughs himself up, and twists himself about. The rope walks back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope I just threw out The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." A man takes his German Shepherd to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother; Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms." I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Four Thoughts Are you educated or experienced? The difference between education and experience is really quite simple. Education is what you get from reading the fine print; experience is what you get from not reading it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ San Francisco Logic ( A scene at City Hall in San Francisco ) "Next." Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest? No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Late Night Hillary In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn "In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Forewarned A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead." To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee as a warning to other potential wise guys. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 2004 Golf Rule Changes for Seniors Rule #1: A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. Rule #2: A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and can play the ball from there. Rule #3: There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke. Rule #4: If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it is "deemed to have dropped". The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. Rule #5: Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule #6: There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule #7: There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings. Rule #8: Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Oops Imagine that you are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, wild blue yonder. On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within a mile has become very popular.... You start calculating the distance to the plane door.... and wonder, "do I feel lucky today?" [ I didn't include the picture, but I'm sure you can imagine the situation. - aBp. ] -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Puns * Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. * A backward poet writes inverse. * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. * Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. * Practice safe eating - always use condiments. * Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. * A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. * A hangover is the wrath of grapes. * Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? * Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. * Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. * When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. * In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. * She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. * Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. * He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. * Every calendar's days are numbered. * A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine. * A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. * He had a photographic memory that was never developed. * A plateau is a high form of flattery. * A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. * Acupuncture is a jab well done -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Snappy Answers Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check in. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Snappy Answer(s) #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14!" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*#@ you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too." #6, The Teacher Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. You might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-aleck guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Bob Hope May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003 ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill". ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them." ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure." ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham.'" ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Brothers There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was missed by his brother, since he loved him, despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day, he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry, but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell, and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench, with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand... if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer & a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment". God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it... the blonde does not". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Thoughts for Today Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich! Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video rentals; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.