-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Testimonials ++ Why God Invented Menopause ++ Customer Satisfaction ++ Truth in Advertising? ++ Texas Math ++ 2004 Philadelphia Eagles Schedule! ++ Conversion ++ Texan One-Up-manship ++ A-Choooooooooo! ++ The (2003) Super Bowl Wrap-up -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Testimonials FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who w= ork at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. =20 I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told he= r that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Why God Invented Menopause With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "Not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "When it cries," she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??" "Because, I forgot where I put it..." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Customer Satisfaction Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it from the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the rear. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain brand detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. In a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out. In fact, the stains came out so well that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney told me that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product! Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people... Signed, A Menopausal Woman -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Truth in Advertising? Police officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed. So O'Leary drives alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop, "why don't you just start it up and drive out of here?" "We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting." "What are you waiting for?" ask the cop. The little old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies, "We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Texas Math A business owner in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help... If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 2004 Philadelphia Eagles Schedule! [ Sorry it took so long, I got this right after the 2003 season... aBp.] September 5 .............. Pat's Steaks 12 .............. Northeast High School 19 .............. Cub Scout Troop #101 26 .............. Philadelphia Academy of the Blind October 3 .............. Spanish-American War Vets 10 .............. Crippled Children's Home 17 .............. The Norristown State Mental Hospital 24 .............. Girl Scout Troop # 353 31 .............. Bye Week / Trick or Treat Night November 7 .............. Philadelphia Venereal Disease Clinic 14 .............. Greater Philadelphia Boys Choir 21 .............. Korean War Amputees 28 .............. City Sanitation Department December 5 .............. Philadelphia Phantoms 12 .............. Philadelphia Pops Orchestra 19 .............. South Street Mummers 26 .............. Geno's Steaks ** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR ** 1 - When playing disabled patients, the Eagles must not disconnect knee braces. 2 - When playing the Academy of the Blind, the Eagles must not hide the football under their jerseys. 3 - An Eagle's touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line) will be worth 10 points. 4 - The Eagles will be allowed 22 men on the field at all times. 5 - The Eagles will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time. 6 - The Eagles will be awarded 10 timeouts per half, as opposed to 3 for the opposing team. 7 - The Eagles will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards. ** NAME CHANGE ** The Philadelphia Eagles will be changed to the "Philadelphia Tampons"... as they are only good for one period and have no second string. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Conversion John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Texan One-Up-manship A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A-Choooooooooo! They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements ----- not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine... until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage... The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The (2003) Super Bowl Wrap-up George W. Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game. Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed. Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"