-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Van Gogh's Relatives ++ Pecans in the Cemetery ++ Children Really Do Say the Darnedest Things ++ Verse War ++ Hilary Clinton's Visit ++ So You Think You Know Everything? ++ Not Punny ++ 2003 Chain Letters ++ Bud Abbot and Lou Costello in the 21st Century ++ The "F" Word -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Van Gogh's Relatives His obnoxious brother ............................ Please Gogh His dizzy aunt ................................... Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes ....................... Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store .... Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia .................. U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white ....... Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois ......................... Chica Gogh His magician uncle ............................... Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ............................... Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother ....... Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach ............... Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle ............................ Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt ........................ Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle ............................. Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst ......................... E Gogh The fruit loving cousin .......................... Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking ............. Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew ......................... Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco ......................... Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van ... Winnie Bay Gogh -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Pecans in the Cemetery On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Children Really Do Say the Darnedest Things Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in). 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears. 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times. 14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals. 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Verse War The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." "Genesis 3:10," reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Hilary Clinton's Visit Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in New York to talk about the state of affairs in the U.S. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Junior Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenney." "O.K., what is your question, Kenney?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue the questions after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Fifth - what happened to Kenney?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ So You Think You Know Everything? A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable! No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. NOW you know everything! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Not Punny There was a boy who lived with his family on a farm. The farm had an icehouse, where produce was stored. One day, the boy noticed that a family of wrens was trapped in the building. He opened the doors to coax the birds out, but oddly, they refused. The boy was very worried about them, because it was so cold in the icehouse. That night, he knelt at his bedside and prayed, "God bless all the little chilled wrens." I know, I know. These puns really are getting worse -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ 2003 Chain Letters To all my friends - thank you for sending me all of those chain letters in 2003. As a result: * I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. * I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. * I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. * I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. * I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. * I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me homo. * I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonald's can sell their Big Macs. * I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. * I think I'm turning queer because when I go to parties I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear she'll take my kidneys and leave me napping in a bathtub full of ice. * I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993... * I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. * My Erickson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. * But I'm positive all of this resulted from a stinking chain I broke, or forgot to follow, and I got a curse from hell. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Bud Abbot and Lou Costello in the 21st Century ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue one. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue one. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOT: The blue one is Realone and the blue w is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows! ABBOT: No, just one, but it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOT: Why not, they own it. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The "F" Word When is @#$% acceptable? There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"-- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"-- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999 and a drum roll.... 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Sadaam Hussein, 2003