-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Men's Rules ++ Dr. Laura ++ Viruses ++ groaner ++ Chursch Service ++ Texas Spiders ++ Feminine or Masculine ++ Too Much Information ++ Chicken Farmer ++ The Deaf Bookkeeper ++ Free Fill Up ++ Ponderables -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Men's Rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hint do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Dr. Laura Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew: "Homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned in any circumstance". The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's a scream! Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Viruses Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have any solutions for these yet!!! The Dubya Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory. The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb. The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files. The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted. The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back. And the favorite: The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Groaner All the monks in a certain monastery sing the simple word "Morning!" from their windows each sunrise. Early one day after several "Morning!" greetings have been sung melodiously into the dawn air, a single greeting of "Evening!" rings out of one window. In the courtyard below, Brother Timothy looks around startled, and says "Did you hear that, Brother Edward?" "Hear what, Brother Timothy?" replied Brother Edward. Brother Timothy sang in reply: "Someone chanted evening..." Grooooan! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Church Service A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out "CROSS.." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD". The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES." Gotta love the little old ladies! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Texas Spiders A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon but we're not having any of that in Texas! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Feminine or Masculine A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House, " in French is feminine - "la Maison" "Pencil," in French, is masculine -"le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "what gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decided whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definetely be of the feminine gender ("la computer") , because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-tem memory for possible later retrieval; 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have got a better model. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Too Much Information One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results... The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at WalMart -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Chicken Farmer A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ The Deaf Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger"! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster lived in the ocean. When they died, Ollie went to heaven. But sinful Sam went to hell. Ollie missed his friend. He asked St. Peter for a weekend pass to visit Sam. "OK," Peter said, "but to be safe, you have to take your wings, robe and harp. Do not forget to bring them back." Ollie agreed, and away he went. He spent the weekend partying in a nightclub that Sam had opened. On Sunday night, he returned to the pearly gates. Peter was there. "I see you have your wings and robe, but where's the harp?" he asked. Mortified, Sam sang, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!" (I know...groan, groan, groan) -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Free Fill Up A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Ponderables Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food? Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?