-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Canonical Blonde Joke List -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Canonical Blonde Joke List 1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. 6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....? A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. 195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. 196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". 200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. 201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. 202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. 204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. 205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. 206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. 208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. R: Neither did she. 214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. 215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. 216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 217. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" 219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. 220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" 221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to have sex properly we could do without the gardener. 222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. 223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was... 225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. 226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" 227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. 238. Q: How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day. A: She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. 239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. 240. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. 241. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. 242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels. 243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. 244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. 245. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. 246. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. 247. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. 248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. 249. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 250. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." 251. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. 252. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. 253. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. 254. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. 255. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) 256. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! 257. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. 258. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. 259. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. 260. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. 261. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. 262. Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. 263. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. 264. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. 265. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. 266. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! 267. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A: When she farts, her knees bag. 268. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. 269. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. 270. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. 271. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. 272. Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down? A: Marry her. 273. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. 274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. 275. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. 276. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. 277. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. 278. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. 279. Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. 280. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. 281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. 282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! 283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. 284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. 285. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. 286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. 288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. 289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. 290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. 291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. 292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. 293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. 313. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. 314. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. 315. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... 316. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. 317. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. 352. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. 353. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle? A: Rebel without a clue. 354. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE? A: Full. 355. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) 356. Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES? A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples. 357. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there." 358. Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks, guys..." 359. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL? A: AIR POCKETs. 360. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. 361. Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 362. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" 363. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. 364. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. 365. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. 366. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refriderator cold. 367. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. 368. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. 369. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. 370. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first... 371. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full. 372. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. 373. Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. 374. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" 375. Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. 376. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! 377. Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. 378 Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. 379. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!" 380. Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections? A: A wine and cheese party! 381. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat! 382. (Visual Joke) Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) 383. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. 384. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. 385. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. 387. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? 388. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: She liked kids... 389. Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin 390. Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. 391. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. 392. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever. 393. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! 394. Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. 395. STATE OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE 451 HIGH STREET George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director FAX (614) 445-3225 BULLETIN NO. 91-92 ------------------ DATE: January 7, 1992 TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion. Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date. It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........ 396. A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" 397. Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant? A: She sneezes. 398. Q: What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ? A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?" 399. Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.? A: Nail polish! 400. Q: What's the fastest way to get a blonde pregnant? A: Take her to the petting zoo. 401. Q: How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof? A: Tell her that the drinks are on the house 402. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. 403. Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession. 404. Q: What did the blonde's dentist find? A: Teeth in the cavity. 405. Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought. 407. Q: What is a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: A padded dash. 408. Q: Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens? A: They couldn't find their eraser. 409. Q: What is the most difficult thing to teach a blonde? A: To count to twenty-eight. (Cycle of a period). 410. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. 411. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A: She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking! 412. Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was. 413. A blonde working in a office is constantly being kidded about how dumb she is; so one evening she goes home and studies a map of the United States. The next day she goes into the office and announces that she knows all 50 states and their capitols. One of her office mates says, "OK, whats the capitol of Wyoming?" and the blonde replies, "W." 414. Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last night gave you a good blow-job? A: The sheets are sucked up your ass. 415. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. 416. Q: How can you tell a blonde has been playing games on your computer? A: There's lipstick on the joystick. 417. Q: Why do most of blondes have blue eyes? A: Because the back of their skull is painted blue. 418. Q: Why do some of blondes have green eyes? A: Because there was not enough blue color to paint the back of their skulls. 419. Q: What can a blond do if she falls from a boat, in order not to drown? A: Close her mouth and put her fingers in her ears. She will stay floating until the help arrives. 420. Q: Why do some of blondes drown even if they do close their mouths and ears? A: Because for some of them the volume of their heads is too small to keep them floating. 421. Q: How can You tell a blonde with a runny nose from a healthy blonde, without looking at their faces? A: Knock on their heads - the one with the perfect hollow sound is healthy. 422. Q: What did the disco band drummer do to their blonde singer when they came to give a show and he discovered that she forgot to put the drum in the car? A: He took her head off (The show was a big success).