-=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ Children talk to God ++ Taxi Driver ++ Only in California ++ Little Mary Margaret ++ Virus Alert ++ Science Project -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Children talk to God * Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda * Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce * Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet * Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise * God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison * Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene * Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita * Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan * Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then, I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla * Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn * Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis * Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan * Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold * Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma * Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer * Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane * Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy * Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter * Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry * Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark * Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street. Dean * Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha * Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara * Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny * Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane * Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely, Donna * Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles * Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff * Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank * Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Carol -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Only in California Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes... You know you're in California when...... 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 8. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 9. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US. 11. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps! You don't even notice. 12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 15. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 16. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004." 17. You pass by a high school and most of the kids you see are talking on a cell phone. 18. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 19. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 20. Hey! Is Pot Illegal???? 21. The Terminator is your new Governator. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Little Mary Margaret Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good", and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Virus Alert If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ******* And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone. If you are a blonde, this is a joke!!! -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Science Project A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High School won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmist practicing of junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "Dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can: 1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical Dihydrogen, monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was.... water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious.