Yes, I've finally got off my butt and put together a Friday Funnies. Happy New Year. -=-=- -=-=- Index -=-=- -=-=- ++ A New Choir. ++ Did You Know? ++ Packaging is Everything ++ Osama Humor ++ Christmas Gifts ++ True Q&A on Australia ++ Bad News ++ It's the Viagra ++ Golf vs Baseball, Basketball, Football, or Hockey ++ Wisdoms -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ A New Choir... It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" - and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "Yours is one of the best choirs I have ever heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?" "Well," replied the conductor, "in the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the 'Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam,' but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam. Then!, another thought 'The Pencil Leads' was a good name but the others disagreed." "Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves.... ... ... ... The Moron Tapanapple Choir. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Did You Know? Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'. Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. And the best for last... Turtles can breathe through their butts. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Packaging is Everything Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was: Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote: 1. It is a perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always available as needed. 4. It is always at the right temperature. 5. It is inexpensive. 6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was at hand rang, he wrote: 7. It comes in such cute containers. He was the only student to ace (100%) the exam. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Osama Humor After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the balls and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!". These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?" -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Christmas Gifts Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her 'Thank You' notes. She wrote: First Son: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." Second Son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." Third Son: "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." Fourth Son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ True Q&A on Australia These were in fact real questions posted to an Australian website setup to answer questions from tourists planning to come to Oz for the Olympics. Perhaps the answers were actually sent - who knows - one can only hope so. Obviously, the answers came from an Aussie Customer Service rep. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: Actually, we import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.... Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What exactly did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, we wash. WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, although you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA) A: Yes, but you will have to pay her by the hour, just like last time. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Bad News A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, "I have something to tell you about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and... a brain?!". -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ It's the Viagra A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?", she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a microwave pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? " He declines. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Golf vs Baseball, Basketball, Football, or Hockey The following is forwarded not to offend baseball, basketball, football or hockey fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light: Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping! that no one spills beer on you. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball. Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.... Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- -=-=- ++ Wisdoms I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. - Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac... - Unknown The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything... - Unknown